


Getting Better

by Starlight1395



Series: Light in the Dark [1]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Cutting, Depression, Family, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 02:32:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13537827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Sanha was known for being childish and cute, but he wanted to change that image. He wanted to change himself. He wanted to be better, no matter the cost.When the others found him collapsed outside their dorms, they realized things really weren't okay with their maknae, and that they weren't able to stop him from self destructing.





	Getting Better

**Author's Note:**

> This is yet another story to help me vent my feelings out. Shocker. I know others find things like this almost therapeutic so if anyone is interested I have several hurt/comfort fics on my FF as well as here, under the same username.  
> I'm such slut for hurt/comfort fics someone stop me

_“He’s cute and all, but how long is this act going to last?”_

_“He really is disrespectful. Like, it’s funny the first time but I really feel bad for his hyungs.”_

_“Sanha needs to stop acting like he’s twelve. It’s getting kind of annoying hearing him whine all the time.”_

_“Only dolphins can hear him half the time with how much he screams.”_

Sanha had always been one to ignore the rules. They weren’t supposed to eat past seven, or eat anything with a lot of sugar but he always found a way to enjoy a snack or two once everyone went to sleep. He wasn’t supposed to stay up too late because sleep is very important for an idol – instead he got used to staying up until the early hours of the morning and was still able to be his normal bubbly self the next day. They weren’t supposed to look up comments on their social media, but his curiosity got the better of him.

Normally the comments are positive. Sanha was amazed at how wonderful their Arohas are, but he came across a thread concerning him and his curiosity wouldn’t let him scroll past.

“Do they really think I’m not mature?” He asked himself, staring at the comments. He could hear his bandmates moving around the dorm and he realized with a start that he never actually went to bed. The first rays of the sun were piercing through his drawn blinds.

“Wake up Sanha, we have a photo shoot today remember.” Jinjin’s voice called for him through the closed door. He glanced over to the other bed and realized Rocky had already left. How had he not noticed the other boy waking up and leaving the room?

Shaking his head, Sanha tried to push the comments out of his mind. The photo shoot was for a new music video they were planning on promoting soon, which the whole band was excited for. It was a different concept than they started out with, trying to go in a more serious image than their previously boyish look. They had gone to the salons the day before and had their hair changed just for the shoot and video. Despite doing the photo shoot, the video wasn’t going to be filmed for a few more months.

He looked at himself in the mirror, still not used to the dark brown that framed his face. For the first time in his career, his stylists had decided to give him a part to show part of his forehead like many other idols have had. It looked good, he thought, but different.

“We’re going to be late,” Jinjin knocked on his door again. “The car is going be here in ten minutes.”

Sanha quickly got changed, knowing he was just going to wear a different outfit when they meet with their stylists. He looked at the oversized pink sweatshirt in his hands and dropped it as if it were on fire. The comments echoed through his head like a buzzing of a fly. He dug in his closet and pulled out a black hoodie and a pair of plain jeans.

“There,” he said to himself quietly, slipping on a pair of plain sneakers. “Mature.”

“Sanha?”

“Coming!” He called, running to meet with his hyungs by the door.

* * *

  
“You’re pretty quiet today maknae,” MJ slid down next to Sanha, who was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall, watching the other members go against the backdrop one at a time. “Something bothering you?”

“Nothing is bothering me,” Sanha said softly, reminding himself to stay quiet. On the ride to the photo shoot, the youngest had made a list of things he needed to do in order to improve himself and prove to not only his hyungs, but to Arohas, that he was worthy of being an idol. Being quieter was just one. “I’m just tired. Thank you for your concern, MJ-hyung. I really appreciate it.”

“Wow, that’s the most polite thing I think you’ve ever said to me,” MJ grinned, expecting the other to grin back, but instead saw the younger boy flinch a little. “Are you sure you’re okay? You look a little pale.”

“Honestly, I’m okay,” Sanha gave MJ a weak smile before turning away. “I guess they did my makeup a little too light for the photo shoot.” Before MJ could say anything, he was called up for his turn behind the camera.

Sanha signed and watched the photos continue, wondering why he let himself fall into such habits. The comments were right. He was too loud, and too rude, and too immature-

“-it’s your turn.” Rocky nudged him with his foot, shaking Sanha from his thoughts. The younger came to with a start and blinked, realizing how sore his tailbone was from sitting on the floor. He gave the staff a sheepish smile and muttered an apology as he hurried over to the backdrop.

Sanha put all his energy into making every photo perfect, not wanting to make a single mistake. He was finished within the hour and met with the others for a short break before the group shots. He fiddled with the hem of his jacket sleeve distastefully, the heat of the lights finally getting to him. For once, they didn’t dress him in shorts or overalls. Instead they opted for slim pants with a white turtleneck and a tan blazer. While he was grateful he wasn’t being dressed like a child anymore, he wasn’t used to overheating on set.

“He’s quiet today,” Eunwoo commented as he watched the maknae from a short distance. Jinjin nodded, crossing his arms.

“MJ tried talking to him, but he said he was just tired.”

“I don’t know what time he went to sleep last night,” Rocky said as he screwed the cap back onto the bottle of water he had just drained. “When I woke up he was already awake and reading something on his phone. I don’t even know if he noticed me leaving.”

“That’s odd…” Jinjin mumbled as he watched the youngest. Before he could approach Sanha, the photographer called them over again.

* * *

  
“Where are you going?” Rocky groaned from his bed. The sound of Sanha moving around woke up the boy, who wasn’t too happy about being conscious before the sun.

“I figured I would go to the gym for a bit.” Sanha whispered, zipping a small duffle bad.

“Oh… okay,” Rocky sniffled and rolled over, already falling back to sleep before he even finished talking. “Have fun kiddo.”

Sanha didn’t say anything. He put his headphones in and made his way out of the door.

The gym was only a mile from the dorms, and technically belonged to Fantagio even though it wasn’t near the actual company buildings. He nodded to a bleary eyed receptionist who gave him a sleepy smile and went to throw his bag into a locker. He was the only one there, and seeing how it was only four in the morning he figured he would be the only one there for a while.

* * *

  
“Sanha, wake up!” Jinjin banged on the closed door for the third time that morning. The door finally ripped open to show a scowling Rocky.

“One day off in the last month and you wake me up by breaking down the damn door,” He ran a hand through his hair and shouldered past the shorter boy, who was directly in the way to the bathroom. “The kid left a while ago to go to the gym.”

“Wait, what?”

“Sanha left a few hours ago,” Rocky scratched his stomach, pulling his shirt up a little with the action. “I thought it was a dream until I saw his bed empty.” He finished with a yawn before turning and making a beeline for the unusually empty bathroom.

Just as the leader was about to panic, the door to the dorm opened and the member in question came stumbling in. He was drenched in sweat and his face was as red as a tomato, and Jinjin was ready to bolt forward and catch him if he fainted. Instead of fainting, however, Sanha just gave the shorter boy a tired smile.

“Good morning Jinwoo hyung,” he said breathlessly. “I hope I didn’t worry you. I just went to the gym for a little bit.”

“That’s alright, but tell someone next time.”

“I told Rocky?” A bit of his normal banter came through and Sanha had to stop himself from biting his lip.

“I know, but Rocky didn’t tell me until maybe a minute ago.”

“I’m very sorry hyung,” Sanha bowed from the waist, catching Jinjin off guard. “I’ll do my best to keep you informed in the future. Please excuse me, I need to shower.”

Jinjin didn’t know what to say because at that exact moment Rocky came out of the bathroom and the youngest member slipped away.

The hot water did wonders for Sanha’s aching muscles. He wasn’t weak by any stretch – he was a dancer after all, and dancers have incredible muscles – but he had worked on building bulk in other places like his arms and shoulders. He knew he was going to be sore in the morning, but he also knew it was going to be worth it. He was going to be worth it, once he was better.

Too soon, the hot water began to chill and he had to turn off the shower. He was thankful that he packed a spare change of clothes as he quickly dried off and got dressed. When he left the bathroom, he saw Jinjin, MJ and Eunwoo sitting on the couch, watching some drama on the TV while Moonbin sat in the kitchen, nursing what was probably his third cup of coffee that morning. Noting the closed door, Sanha guessed Rocky had gone back to sleep.

“Heard you had an early start,” Moonbin commented as Sanha went into the kitchen. Sanha just smiled and nodded, reaching for the milk. He froze, realizing he was going to make chocolate milk like he normally did in the morning, but he needed to be more mature. He won’t be better until he was mature like the others. “I didn’t think you liked coffee.”

“I thought I would give it a shot,” He said softly, trying to keep his voice level and calm. “I’m going to be drinking it at some point in my career so I might as well get used to it now.”

“Here, use some more sugar,” Moonbin slid the sugar bowl towards him, and he meekly scooped two more spoonfuls into the mug before taking another sip – that one more tolerable he was pleased to note. “If you want a gym buddy, I wouldn’t mind going with you.”

“Thank you Moonbin hyung, but I don’t want to bother you.” Sanha gave a small smile before going to the living room and leaving a frowning Moonbin in the kitchen.

* * *

“Okay, take a break guys,” Jinjin panted as he clicked the music off. “Sanha, come here for a second?

 

They were practicing the choreography for the new music video, which was scheduled to start filming in two and a half months. Sanha had been pushing himself to go to the gym every morning, despite his friends’ warnings not to overwork himself. The progress was slow, but he was definitely feeling the burn of the strain on his body.

“Is something the matter hyung?” Sanha asked, keeping his eyes to the floor. He could feel the sweat drying on his skin and he desperately wanted to go back to the dorm and shower and sleep for a few days, but Jinjin was already talking.

“You just seem a little out of it,” he said, pulling his bangs out of his face as he looked up at the younger boy. “You aren’t hitting the moves the way you normally do and I wanted to make sure everything is alright.”

“Thank you for your concern, but I’m fine,” Sanha felt his face burn, and it wasn’t from the dancing. He worried Jinjin, again. He wasn’t getting better. He was making things worse again. “I’m just a little sore from the gym.”

“Maybe you should let yourself rest for a few days?” Jinjin suggested, and Sanha felt his stomach drop. “You’ve been working really hard, and no one wants you to hurt yourself.”

“Thank you, but I’m really okay. Please don’t worry about me.” Sanha turned to go get his water, but was stopped by a hand on his wrist.

“That’s not all Sanha,” Jinjin said, his face uncharacteristically somber. “Did something happen?” You’ve been acting really strange recently and we’re all worried about you. Did someone say something to you? Because whatever they said was wrong-”

“No one said anything,” Sanha cut him off, gently pulling his arm away. “I just… wanted to better myself. Is there anything wrong with that?”

“I… I guess not,” Jinjin let his hand fall to his side as he looked – really looked – at Sanha. “Just, be careful, okay? We care about you a lot you know.”

“I know hyung.”

Jinjin realized how dark the bags under Sanha’s eyes had become, and how his hands always seem to shake. Something was wrong. Just as he was going to say something, their choreographer came back and told them to get into formation.

Sanha put all his focus on the dance. He had been working extra hard on this particular song, and knew the choreography perfectly. He knew they were going to break for the evening soon, so he wanted to push himself even more. He wanted to show everyone that he wasn’t a weak link – that he was better. He swung his arm above his head, but his shoulder muscle clenched painfully from the movement and he couldn’t help but cry out and hold his arm close to his chest.

“Sanha, are you okay?” MJ’s frantic voice cut through the music. Sanha opened his eyes to see the other five had abandoned the dance to look at him with worry. Sanha quickly straightened and tried to hide the grimace from the abused muscles of his back.

“I’m sorry, I must have moved the wrong way and pulled something,” He said, trying to keep the tremor from his words. “Let’s try it again?”

The others hesitated, but when the music started, muscle memory kicked in. Sanha was careful not to strain his shoulder anymore and when the music ended, he couldn’t help the smile that broke out across his whole face.

“Good work guys, go get some rest.” The choreographer bowered slightly before leaving the boys to pack and stretch.  
Sanha’s smile faded as his stupid mistake kept playing back over and over in his head. A drop of sweat dripped down his arm and he violently scratched at it. His nails dug into his skin, leaving red lines down his arm, and suddenly his mind was clearer. He glanced in the mirror of the practice room and saw the welts already developing, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop scratching his arm. It was almost like his hand was moving on its own.

When he finally snapped out of whatever trance he had been in, he realized the tracks of his nails had left splotchy bruising up and down his arm. His eyes widened but he didn’t feel guilty. Quietly slipping his jacket on, he prayed no one noticed.

* * *

  
“He’s eating in his room again?” Moonbin asked, raising an eyebrow. They weren’t crazy about eating every meal at the table, but for the youngest to lock himself away for a week straight? That wasn’t usual at all.

“I don’t think he’s eating,” MJ said sadly.

“What do you mean?”

“He only took a small plate, then said something about going to bed. That’s what he’s been doing every time.”

In his room Sanha wasn’t quite proving MJ right, but not proving him wrong either. His dinner sat, untouched, on his desk as he scrolled through different sites and comments. He didn’t want to admit that he was seeking out negative feedback, but a sick part of him definitely was. That was the emotional push he needed to get better, while the claw marks on his arms, legs and stomach acted as the physical reminder to do more.

He felt sick, but not to his stomach. He was sick of being himself. He was sick of not being better, even though he was trying his hardest. He signed and reached under his bed for the bottle he had stolen from MJ and Jinjin’s room. The elders barely drank, so when a bottle of something a fan had gifted them went missing, they didn’t notice.  
Sanha looked at the bottle with a blank face. He had often been compared to a porcelain doll, and with how still and expressionless he was he could understand it. They wanted him to be mature, to act less like a child.

Part of him argued that getting drunk because he was sad was a childish thing to do, but another part argued back saying that it was mature to handle your own problems and not bother others. He had been worrying the others, and it made him feel guilty. He wanted to be better for them, not make things harder.

Screwing off the top, Sanha didn’t even hesitate before swallowing a mouthful of the bitter liquid. It burned his throat and made his eyes water, but as soon as it hit him empty stomach his whole body felt a little warmer. Pushing away his grimace, he took another mouthful, which turned into another and another until half the bottle was gone.  
With fumbling hands, he put the cap back on and rolled it back under his bed. When he tried to stand, the whole room spun and he found himself back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. A giggle bubbled past his lips and he couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so light and carefree.

He giggled again, covering his face with his hand. He let his head loll from side to side, enjoying the floating feeling for a few minutes before noticing how badly he needed to use the bathroom. He stood – slowly this time – and made his way to the door. There were no sounds of talking and plates clinking, but there was muffled sounds which made him think they were watching a movie.

Sanha tried to sneak to the bathroom, but couldn’t help stumbling every few steps and giggling loudly. He was maybe five feet from the bathroom when Jinjin called out to him.

“Ya, Sanha,” He tried to get the attention of the maknae, the darkness of the room hiding the flush on the younger boy’s face. The younger boy in question froze and swayed in place for a moment before turning to look at the others. “Come watch this movie with us. It’s awful, you’d love it.”

“Nah, Imma just pee and go ta sleep.” Sanha slurred, not realizing he was slurring.

“Are you okay? You sound weird?”

“I’m A-okay.” Sanha said and instantly burst into another fit of giggles. The room spun as he took the final two steps to the bathroom and he caught himself on the doorframe.

He closed the door on his hyungs and emptied his bladder before looking at himself in the mirror.

His cheeks were thinner, the baby fat finally melting away with how often he went to the gym. Those same cheeks were flushed red from and his eyes seemed to hold an extra sparkle. He grinned at his reflection. He was handsome, wasn’t he? He washed his hands, taking a little extra time to play with the warm water before flipping off the lights and heading back to his room. He was quicker this time, making it to his door before anyone say anything.

“Sanha are you drunk-?” Jinjin’s words were cut off by the slamming of the door.

* * *

  
Sanha spent the next two weeks similarly – going to the gym before the sun rises and drinking until he could sleep without dreams. The claw marks got worse, to the point of drawing blood, but he didn’t care. He felt better. He was better.

He could see his shoulders and arms broaden, and even his managers had started commenting on how he was starting to look older. He was lucky they stopped dressing him in shorts and t-shirts because otherwise he would have been discovered instantly.

Even online people were starting to notice. They had been releasing teasers and updates on twitter, and many of the comments were about how he was filling out and looking more his age. Those comments fueled him just as much as the negative comments, because it proved what he was doing was working, and that he really was getting better.  
Another thing he was getting better at was blocking his hyungs out. Every time they tried to talk to him, he had some sort of excuse to leave. An excuse to not eat, to go to bed, to avoid being confronted about his change in behavior.

A few days before they were scheduled to film their new music video, Sanha was in the kitchen, chopping some vegetables for a salad. He had been making himself eat healthier and avoid childish snacks, and he actually started to like some of the foods he was forcing himself to eat.

“MAKNAE!” MJ cried from the living room, causing Sanha to jump and the knife to slip. Sanha hissed at red beaded up along the slice on his palm, eyes suddenly unfocused as he felt his shoulders relax at the sudden pain. “Oh my god Sanha I’m so sorry I didn’t know you had a knife. Are you okay? Sanha?” MJ was frantic, buzzing around like a humming bird as Sanha slowly came out of his own thoughts. He grabbed a paper towel and folded it over the shallow cut.

“I’m fine hyung, I was just startled,” speaking formally and quietly had almost become second nature. Sanha couldn’t remember the last time he had raises his voice for any reason. “I’ll just go bandage this in the bathroom.”

“Sanha, wait,” MJ caught his arm, unknowingly grabbing the bruised lines and causing the younger boy to hiss silently. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I’m scared. I miss the old Sanha…”

“I’m sorry hyung, but the old Sanha won’t be coming back,” He gave the shorter a sad smile before shaking his hand away. “He wasn’t good enough, but I will be.”

Before MJ could even process what Sanha had said, the latter had disappeared.

* * *

  
“That’s a wrap!” The director called after another long day of filming. The boys and staff let out a cheer – other than Sanha, who just smiled tiredly to no one in particular.

“Let’s go out to celebrate!” Jinjin yelled, his eyes shining with excitement. The others were visibly just as excited, but Sanha felt his stomach drop. As much as he wanted to spend time with his hyungs and celebrate, he was starting to feel light headed and wanted to go to bed.

“I think I’m going to go back to the dorm,” He said, letting the tired smile drop. “I’m feeling tired and I wouldn’t want to be a burden when you go out to celebrate.”

“You’re never a burden, you know that right?” Jinjin sounded a lot less excited as the concern for the youngest came back tenfold. Sanha gave him another small smile.

“I’ll see you back at the dorm. Stay safe, alright?” Before anyone could stop him, Sanha turned and went to get changed.

He made it back to the dorm before the moon was fully in the sky. He rarely found himself alone, so flicking on the lights in the empty living room made the small space seem that much larger. Suddenly, it felt as though there was a hole in his stomach, threatening to swallow him. He tried to think of something to distract himself, but nothing seemed appealing. It was like everything in his world had turned grey and he was floating away from reality.

His phone chimed in the pocket of his sweatshirt, a notification from Twitter lighting up his screen. He turned on notifications for any tweet that contained his name, so he could stay on top of what people were saying about him. He opened the app and felt his heart drop to the floor when he read the tweet.

_“I miss the old Sanha. He’s not as cute anymore and it makes me sad”_

The thread continued, each letter making Sanha’s body go numb.

_“I miss his chubby cheeks!”_

_“He’s gotten so broad I barely recognize him.”_

_“I want my bias back!”_

_“He’s no fun anymore.”_

Sanha snapped, throwing his phone against the nearest wall. He would never be good enough. Before he was too immature, and now he wasn’t cute enough. He was never good enough, and he was sick of it. His hands suddenly itched with the need to punch something.

Without bothering to put on a real jacket, Sanha scooped up his now cracked phone and ran back out of the dorm. The first brick wall he came across was met with the softness of his fist, the hard surface not breaking his bones but ripping his skin badly. He punched the wall once, then twice more before letting his throbbing hand fall to his side, the blood dripping onto the pavement. The light from the convenience store shined bright from across the street and his feet started to move on their own.

Sanha shoved his bloody hand into his pocket before entering the store, noting it was basically dead. He wandered the aisles, not sure what he was looking for. His eye caught on a box of off brand sleeping pills on the shelf. His good hand reached out and grabbed them without him meaning to. He glanced around him and realized the only worker was focused on her phone at the front counter. He slipped the box into his pocket silently before moving to look at something else. He grabbed a soda from the cooler and went up to the girl, trying his best to keep a straight face.

The girl didn’t seem particularly interested in him, blinking languidly at him as she scanned the bottle. Sanha fished a handful of coins out of the pocket of his jeans and handed it to her. She didn’t look at him as she blew a bubble with her gum and threw the coins in the register. Sanha bid her a good night and left, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding when he was out of the lights. His sore hand gripped the stolen pills tightly as he wandered farther away from the dorms.

His phone buzzed loudly, but he ignored it. He couldn’t be bothered.

Sanha made his way to the small park he and the others used to loiter around in their spare time. The playground was pitch black, but the small stone semi-circle that was used for outdoor performances was lit by a few of the nearby street lamps. He sat down heavily, not feeling the jolt to his tail bone.

He was tired. He was so tired, and he just wanted to rest.

Unscrewing the cap to the soda, he pulled out the box of pills and dumped some out into his palm. They looked so small and innocent, Sanha thought to himself and he downed the handful. A frigid breeze blew through the area just then, causing him to shiver violently. He stood and started to head back to the dorm, where he knew a warm bed waited for him.

“Sanha what the fuck!?” A familiar voice screamed as the dorm building came into sight. Sanha was tackled by MJ, who was shaking in his arms.

“Hyung?” Sanha said sleepily. He was struggling to keep his eyes open.

“We came back and you were gone,” MJ tried to sound angry but he was more relieved that his maknae was okay. “We tried calling you but you didn’t pick up and we found all these empty bottles and a knife under your bed and-” Sanha’s froze.

“You looked under my bed?” He asked, his heartbeat loud as a train in his ears.

“Sanha, what have you been doing to yourself?” MJ’s voice sounded far away, and Sanha felt very, very tired. He tried pushing past his hyung but was easily stopped by the shorter boy. It wasn’t sudden, him fainting. It felt like he was slowly being lowered into a tar pit, and the image of his bandmate’s horrified faces would be burned into his mind forever as the world went black.

* * *

  
Jinjin watched the sleeping form of their maknae, wondering how things had gotten so bad without any of them noticing. Sure, every once in a while something seemed off, but it never occurred to any of them that their youngest was getting this bad.

The bottles of empty soju and hard liquor hidden under his bed were in themselves extremely concerning, but the discovery of the small kitchen knife hidden carefully between the mattress and the bedframe made the situation much more dire.

When Sanha collapsed outside of the dorm, his arm fell out of his pocket – exposing the dried blood and the stolen pills. It had taken all of them to carry the youngest inside of the dorm, but Jinjin was the only one to volunteer to change the boy and dress his wounds. He felt bile in the back of his throat when he saw the sheer multitude of scars covering the boy’s thigh. Some of them looked like they were no more than a day or two old. He couldn’t hold back a sob when he saw a single word carved into the once perfect skin.

“ _Immature_ ”. Jinjin thought he was going to pass out right next to Sanha, but he managed to stay upright – for Sanha’s sake. Once he was sure the youngest was sleeping soundly, he wearily stumbled out to the living room, where the other four were waiting.

“Is he okay?” Rocky jumped to his feet instantly, tears making thick tracks down his face.

“It’s hard to tell,” Jinjin ran a hand through his hair. “He seems to be sleeping now…”

“He only took about five of the pills,” Eunwoo spoke up, holding the offending bottle in his hand. “I counted what was left. Thankfully it’s not a lethal dose.” At the thought of Sanha taking a lethal amount of pills, the whole room fell silent.

“He cuts himself.” Jinjin whispered, not knowing how to bring the subject up carefully.

“What?” MJ’s eyes were wide with disbelief.

“His thigh was a mess… I can’t believe he got to this point without anyone noticing.”

“What… what do we do now?” Moonbin finally spoke up. All eyes turned to Jinjin, afraid to make a move without their leader. Jinjin sighed and licked his chapped lips.

“All we can do now is wait for him to wake up.”

* * *

  
Sunlight woke Sanha up. It felt like someone had filled his veins with cement and his head pounded painfully. He tried to roll over and block out the sun but his body felt too heavy to move. Before he could open his eyes, he heard thumping and felt a sudden dip of the mattress.

“Sanha?” Rocky’s voice broke through Sanha’s fog. He struggled to open his eyes for a moment, and when he finally did it he wished he had kept them shut.  
Rocky looked like crap. His hair was greasy and hanging in his face, the bags under his eyes looked more like bruises and his lips were cracked. Despite all of this, he was grinning and crying, pulling the other boy into his arms.

“What happened?” Sanha asked, his voice scratchy and quiet. Rocky held onto him for a few more seconds in silence before pulling back.

“You collapsed in front of the dorms and we couldn’t wake you up… we’ve been waiting all day... it’s amost dinner already.”

“That long?” Sanha lurched forward only to fall back onto his bed when the room began to spin.

“How long?”

“What?”

“How long have you been destroying yourself without telling anyone?” Rocky was already crying, but his voice seemed to waver even more. Sanha was hit with such intense guilt he thought he was going to throw up.

“I don’t really know,” He really didn’t know exactly when this all started. “When I started going to the gym I guess.”

“That long?” Rocky felt his stomach drop to the floor. His best friend had been doing this to himself for that long and he never noticed anything.

“I just wanted to get better…” Sanha whispered, pulling his legs up to his chest.

“What do you mean?”

“I wasn’t good enough, and I just wanted to be better,” Sanha began to soak the knees of his pants with his tears. “But I’m still not good enough. I’ll never be good enough. First I was too loud, too immature. Now I’m too quiet and too mellow… It’ll never be enough, no matter how hard I work. I’ll never be enough.”

“That’s not true!” Rocky didn’t mean to yell, but he was in shock. He couldn’t – wouldn’t – believe that Sanha felt this way about himself. “You’re perfect the way you are. We love you, Aroha loves you. Everyone adores you Sanha. We loved you before and we still love you.”

“You shouldn’t.” the younger said sadly, looking anywhere but at Rocky.

“Too bad, asshole,” Rocky retorted, frowning. “Nothing you could do could ever make us stop caring about you.”

“Is he awake?” Jinjin pushed the door open, only to be trampled by the other members who instantly piled into the room.

“You fucking asshole!” MJ sobbed as he threw himself into the younger’s arms. Sanha blinked down at him, not expecting the oldest to react like that. “We were so scared. We thought you were never going to wake up! God what if we lost you? What would we do without you?”

“I’m sorry hyung.” Sanha said, wrapping his long arms around the sobbing boy.

“Sanha, I need you to be honest with me, okay?” Jinjin asked, drawing the attention of the boy. Sanha nodded, a feeling of dread pooling in his stomach. “Was this a suicide attempt?” Sanha felt his heart skip a beat. He never thought-

“I don’t know,” he answered truthfully. “I wasn’t thinking about it that way… I just wanted a break from everything.”

“So you weren’t trying to kill yourself?”

“No… not actively at least.” Sanha looked away, feeling shame turning his cheeks red. It wasn’t exactly what Jinjin was hoping to hear, but it was better than what they were all fearing.

“You know we all care about you, right?”

“Of course hyung.”

“Sanha, look at me,” Jinjin sat on the edge of the bed so their eyes were level. “No matter what, we will always be at your side. You’re our family Sanha. We can’t lose a member of our family, do you hear me? We’re going to work on this – together.”

“I don’t even know where to start…” Sanha felt the hopelessness starting to suffocate him again. A warm hand over his brought him back to reality.

“Let’s start with talking for a bit,” Jinjin suggested carefully. “Tell us how this all started, why you felt this way. What you felt while doing this stuff to yourself. Anything to help us understand better. We just want to give you our strength Sanha.”

The youngest felt a pressure in his chest, but it was different from the emptiness he had grown to know so well. He squeezed Jinjin’s hand and tried to think of where to start.

* * *

  
“So, there have been some rumors about Astro’s maknae,” The host spoke carefully, watching the reactions of the band. They had been on a hiatus for the past few months, and were just now coming back to the public eye. This show was their first appearance on television. “Would you care to clear up any misconceptions?”

“Our Sanha went through a very trying time recently,” Jinjin answered first. “But we’re happy to announce that he’s better, and that Astro is prepared to show everyone that we’re better as a band as well.”

“Sanha, is there anything you’d like to add?” The host turned the attention to the boy in question.

He had lost the muscle mass he gained in the time he was breaking down. He was back to a lankier figure that suited him more. He seemed comfortable in the jeans and loose sweater he had been given. He finally looked comfortable in his own skin.

Sanha smiled and took a deep breath before taking the microphone from MJ.

“Everyone one of you are perfect the way you are,” He started, looking directly into the camera. “No matter what anyone else says. No matter what that voice in your head may say. You are perfectly you, and I love you for that. Please, never think you aren’t worth love and support, because I can promise that you are. You always have us rooting for you, whether it’s to pass a test or just get out of bed each day. We know you can overcome any obstacles in your life. Astro loves you so much, never forget that.”

* * *

 


End file.
